23 September 2010

Fall, Fuckheads






I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some
fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining
room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head
up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and
jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables.
When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my
shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it
is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of
mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard
like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up.
Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd
necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds
straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto
my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall,
fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or
you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in
the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd
reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one
when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual
molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and
gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely
fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any
favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into
a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim
forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a
hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not
spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses;
it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their
ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look
where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen,
zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do,
you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh
coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some
tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of
a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is
going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!


by Collin Nissan

09 September 2010

Sharp, like cheddar

Lolo. the land of sharp rock, hard problems, and fantastic scenery. Bouldering here can be fairly demoralizing, the the climbing tends to involve big boy moves with poor feet. WITH that said, the sends are all the more appreciated when they roll around. Not that i ever send anything there....







Yesterday scotty and i went to the Beautiful Boulder and Flying Lotus. Between these two boulders, there are at least 3 v6s, 1 v7 (which is fucking rad), 1 v8, 1 v9 and a v10. And they're all quality. FUCK YEAH!






Scotty got on the Scoreboard, sending Flying Lotus. an inncredibly dynamic steep v7 on smooth shelf like holds.

I tried really hard on Boobies and Heartbroken, to no avail. Heartbroken is way fucking hard up top. Need to try a lil harder and gobble up some hangboards before then.







Here's Levi on the Start of Heartbroken v8/9